Rocky Road...

 2.23.22

Well, today was treatment #7. Bright and early, I was feeling great and ready to roll. Met with my doc and he is really happy with progress so far...and so I began my 'pre' meds (anti nausea and steroids).

...and then about 45 minutes into my main meds, shit hit the fan. Hives, extreme nausea, stomach ache, sweats, asthmatic cough, and trouble breathing. Apparently, it is not rare at this point for the body to reject one of the 3 med chemo cocktail I receive. In this case, the drug that causes most of the issues is called: Oxaliplatin.

My nurse came in, stopped the drip and called for back up. What happened after that felt like a scene out of Pulp Fiction. Ok, that's a bit dramatic, but I had 4 or so people jump into action. I quickly received a benadryl shot and an Epi-pen jab into my thigh (thankfully it wasn't my chest like in Pulp Fiction).

Pulp Fiction Visual

Eventually, I was able to breathe, the rashes/hives went away, and they were able to finish the cocktail of the other 2 chemo drugs. I was too worn out to go to teach my afternoon classes, so I went straight home to nap. 

What does this mean? Well, Oxaliplatin is a key drug in my fight so the doctor wants me to get as much as possible. That means that Round 8 will essentially be a full day at the hospital where they gradually give me the Oxaliplatin in small doses over several hours - basically a tolerance trial. Hopefully, that will work and I'll still get all of the drugs to fight the battle. My chemo days will be longer, but I want all of the weapons! Not sure what happens if I do not tolerate it and I'm not going to think that way.

To be honest, I am somewhat depressed that I was unable to complete the full treatment. I did everything but only got 1/3 of the Oxaliplatin. As you know, I am determined to win and it is upsetting that the drugs got the better of me today...I'll get over it, but just putting my emotions out there.

Not sure how this will affect the next few days. Oxali is the drug that causes the first bite syndrome pain, so maybe that won't be as bad...and the gradual tolerance trial should minimize the side effects in the future. So that's good. But I still have my pal, the pump and so it's likely I'll still be exhausted and nauseous. But we'll see...

On a positive note, it seems we are 1 "okay" away from launching Grateful Fighters. Today, I saw the embroidered baseball hats prototype and it is freakin' fantastic. Thanks to the folks at Rock Free Love for all of their hard work on this project. I can't wait for you all to see it...hopefully, that will be the next blog post!

In the meantime, make sure you are getting your screenings, make sure you are seeing your primary doc once a year, and make sure you are vaxxed/boosted, etc. I know the colonoscopy prep or the boob smushing isn't fun, but your stories of positive screenings completed still brightens my spirits daily!!

#getscreened
#gratefulfighters

On Cancer and Teaching, Part II

 2.18.22

 

Today, the shit hit the proverbial fan. In Illinois, the governor's executive order mandating masking in schools was overturned. This has led to myriad responses across the state.

In the district where I live, there are reports of anti-mask staff and students bullying and harassing students who choose to remain masked. Whether you support masks or not, this is totally unacceptable. It is a school admin and staff responsibility to keep kids safe - and this responsibility was totally abused today in district 225.

In my own school of employment, we have a 4-day weekend, so preparations for the unmasking next Tuesday are a bit easier. Today, we received a lengthy communication for our administration in advance of informing the community that we will be mask optional starting Tuesday. The email detailed how staff should be respectful in creating a safe environment for all students regardless of their mask choices. I am sure that my colleagues and I will do just that for our students.

But this all means something different for me and my family on a personal level. Though I'm not really afraid of Covid, I am going through chemotherapy. I am immunocompromised. There is a much greater risk to my health. And frankly, I am hurt and offended by my school community's response regarding my personal safety.

Quite simply, in light of my situation and legitimate health concerns, if I could request students mask in my classroom. To be honest, I'm not sure my students would argue given that we have a relationship and they know my situation. However, I was told that at this time, we cannot put pressure to mask or unmask on students. In general, I get it. In my case, I feel like I've just been given a giant middle finger.

For 25 years, I have worked in my school community. Over those years, I have given 100% plus to my students and community. I have sacrificed my own mental and personal health at time in servicing my students. I have sacrificed my family and friends at other time, in light of giving my all to serve my students. And now that my personal health is at risk, I have been given the middle finger. I am hurt and I am offended.

Apparently for 25 years, I've been doing it wrong. I'm not sure it's in my DNA, but this very morning has greatly changed my perspective and priorities as an educator.

Today vs. Yesterday - On Cancer and Teaching

 2.1.22

I noticed a serious difference in myself between Yesterday (Monday) and Today (Tuesday). For the most part, that's no big deal - but for me, it was huge, and I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that I'm a teacher.

This is not a jab at all other professions. It's about being a teacher, and what most non-teachers do not understand about us. We are perfectionists. We feel the weight, every day, of inspiring countless kids - engaging them, entertaining them, helping them grow. When we are not our best or when a lesson doesn't go as planned - we beat ourselves up.

Cancer aside, I think that is what makes the past few years of Covid, so difficult for teachers. Whether what we are doing works or not - eschool, pod learning, or whatever - we feel the burden of success and failure. And when the public piles on, calling teachers greedy or lazy or bad at our jobs, it is soul crushing. Yet, much of the general public seems to be an expert on education and pedagogy and is willing to bash teachers at every turn. It's no wonder that our profession is bleeding teachers at an alarming rate, and that lower numbers are entering the profession these days.

I'd be lying if I said that I never thought about leaving the profession. Over my 25 year career, I have polished up my resume a few times. Ultimately, I've stuck it out because I love what I do. But yesterday was tough. I was still nauseous from Round 5, and I knew I was not at my best. And like I said, when I'm not at my best - I feel bad and depressed. It comes home with me. It keeps me up at night wondering what I could have done to make it better.

I feel like teaching is one of a few professions where you cannot hide a bad day. I have worked in other places at times in my life - in offices, you can 'hide' for awhile and catch up on work. When I was younger, I was able to 'ride out' a hangover at my desk until I was better functioning. My guess is that is possible in a lot of places. But it is not possible in teaching. I cannot tell my 2nd hour to hold tight for a while until my head clears. I have to teach because I have no other options. And I realized yesterday, that in an ideal world, I would have been able to take sick time while one of my awesome colleagues covered my class, so the students wouldn't be cheated. But I don't have unlimited sick time...even during a long-term illness. Truthfully, I should be taking 3-4 days off every chemo cycle [and many people have expressed surprise that I try not to miss any teaching through this chemotherapy], but that's not the way our world works. I can't think of any profession that gets that much sick time, but I know that 3-4 days every cycle, I'm pushing myself to teach my students - and beating myself up when I'm not at my best.

So, yesterday was tough because I really noticed that I was not at my best. Amazingly though, yesterday turned into Today - and there was no nausea, my enthusiasm/energy were back, and I felt more capable to engage and inspire my students. Thankfully, there are more Todays than Yesterdays in my life. And thankfully, I think my students are with me and they are learning to ebb and flow with me so that we can maximize our work together.

So if teaching is so tough, why not switch careers for another 6 figure profession as it seems people are doing based on the article linked above? Apparently teachers are in demand (belying the trite - those who can't teach crap), so why not flee for another career where I might make more and have less stress?

I guess the answer can be summed up within the controversy over the graphic novel MAUS being removed from the 8th grade curriculum in a small county in Tennessee. Many of you know that I taught MAUS for nearly a decade and I was privileged to present about it at an Illinois Assoc of Teachers of English conference years ago, and I was written up in the Chicago Tribune for being on the cutting edge of teaching graphic novels. For years, a colleague and I were contacted multiple times a year by educators from around the country and Canada to share resources on teaching MAUS due to materials we had put online.

And that stuff is cool and great...but it doesn't define why I teach. Over the past few days, I have been contacted by former students who are aghast and upset at the news out of Tennessee. One former student wrote:
"look what TN did....a tragedy! Most memorable class and an important book. What a shame. If we don't remember history we are bound to repeat it ... I still have my book with notes 19 years later."

In a nutshell, that's why I teach. And I want to thank the students who reached out to me this past week to remind me. Sure, the yesterdays are tough...but the impact we can make when the Todays are awesome, is immeasurable. So I will continue to fight through the Yesterdays this spring, while I fight this beast, and I will strive for the Todays that make a difference.

While other teachers may not have an illness like me, please know that they are battling their own Yesterdays and striving for the precious moments. Please support them, love them, send them notes of thanks. Not one teacher is out there trying to ruin kids - whether they are a great teacher or a good teacher. Do not listen to those afraid of teaching real history. Do not fret about those trying to foment panic about some mythical CRT being taught. The fact is that teachers are all out there, pouring their souls into our future. Help us all seek better Todays!

#GetScreened
#GratefulFighters