1. Brandi's continuing recovery from foot surgery.
2. My father's fall, broken bones, and continuing rehab (including COVID).
3. Me taking on a new class to help out a colleague who is sick - new books, new curriculum, etc.
3. Me taking on a new class to help out a colleague who is sick - new books, new curriculum, etc.
4. Frustrations at work both personally and with the pedagogical direction of SHS.
But that is just the context to the past month, which for me, has really focused on my Canciversary. Most people may not realize that when you get cancer, or I suppose any other serious illness, it stays with you. Every. Day. Even if it's not in the forefront of the mind, it's lurking, and it likes to come out once in awhile for a visit. For me, that visit has been like a guest who over-stays their welcome, and it's going on month #2.
My Canciversary is actually September 27th. Since that day, over a month ago, I have daily battles to keep the "What ifs" at bay. The "What ifs" began with thinking about: What happens if my 1-year colonoscopy follow up finds more cancer? Those "What ifs" morph into sub-questions regarding potential treatment - What if I have to do more chemo? What if I have to do radiation? What if I have to do Car-T immunotherapy like my father did? What if I have to tell the kids, again? What if, what if, what if... It's nightmare and depression inducing, and pretty illogical given how low my CEA (cancer indicator in blood test) has been post-chemo and at the 3 month point...which makes it even more depressing to be unable to rely on logic. And all the while, I have tried to smile - for the kids and for everyone else because why should anyone else have to worry...illogically?
As most of you know, thankfully, my colonoscopy results from yesterday were as good as we could hope. I did get a bit nervous when undressing for the procedure, my #GratefulFighters bracelet snapped. For those that may not know, I have worn that bracelet since Nadav started fundraising with them for his Bar Mitzvah early this Spring - easily 6+ months. I worried it was a bad omen, but Brandi stepped in to say that it was a positive sign instead - a sign that I had won my fight. And so, because my wife said, I changed my negative thoughts to positive ones; however, I do not consider my fight over. While I may be in remission (pending CT results), I am still a Fighter - for myself and for others. Remember - If you're reading this and you have not gotten your yearly check up and you have not had your required screenings, please do it now. That is a battle I will fight for the rest of my life!
As most of you know, thankfully, my colonoscopy results from yesterday were as good as we could hope. I did get a bit nervous when undressing for the procedure, my #GratefulFighters bracelet snapped. For those that may not know, I have worn that bracelet since Nadav started fundraising with them for his Bar Mitzvah early this Spring - easily 6+ months. I worried it was a bad omen, but Brandi stepped in to say that it was a positive sign instead - a sign that I had won my fight. And so, because my wife said, I changed my negative thoughts to positive ones; however, I do not consider my fight over. While I may be in remission (pending CT results), I am still a Fighter - for myself and for others. Remember - If you're reading this and you have not gotten your yearly check up and you have not had your required screenings, please do it now. That is a battle I will fight for the rest of my life!
Anyhow, while there were 4 polyps to remove during my colonoscopy, the doctor said that he was not worried. If he didn't know my history, he wouldn't think twice. Additionally, he posits that those polyps were from before and that my surgeon simply ignored the tiny polyps to make sure they removed all of the cancer. But now those polyps are gone, off to the lab just to double-check the pathology, and I do not need another colonoscopy for a year. Phew. It was definitely a relief.
But that was only 1 test of 4 that have induced the anxiety over the past month plus. Next up was my 6 month consult with my oncologist. Every 3 months, we meet and he does blood work - mostly to keep an eye on my CEA. Some of you may recall that the normal range for CEA is 0-2.5 and a year ago, mine was 12.4. Post-chemo, that number had dropped to 1.4. 3-months ago, that number was 0.9, and yesterday, despite my feeling that it would go up given that I haven't been able to exercise (more on that later), it dropped even lower to 0.7! And so, I woke up this morning feeling pretty positive!
But I still have 2 more hurdles to jump in the next couple of weeks. At 6 months, my oncologist also orders a chest CT to make sure there is no visual evidence of cancer. Again, even though logic says that the results will be positive, the anxiety is still lurking below the surface. And finally, in mid-November, I will be having a CAT scan on my heart. I haven't spoken much about this publicly, but due to my post-Covid breathing issues, I had some heart testing done. Thankfully, my heart is functioning well; however, by accident, they spotted something that they want to look at further. I won't speculate and my oncologist reassures me that there's not much to worry about...but still, given my father's heart problems post-chemo and this finding, I'm still uneasy. My hope is that by Thanksgiving, the remaining 2 tests will come through with positive news and we can truly put to rest this anxiety inducing month + !!
(If only it was as easy to make work issues go away!!)
If you have made it this far, I guess that aside from wanting to fill everyone in and aside from me wanting to document this for my own reflection, I wanted to just share a bit of what many cancer survivors (and other long-term illness sufferers) go through in the days, months, and years past being "cleared" (and what others may or may not wish to share publicly for various reasons). While we want to celebrate life - and I'm doing my best to do just that, there is always the "What ifs" monster lurking below the surface.
With a 4/4 November, hopefully, I'll be able to fend off the monster for at least another year until my next Canciversary.
Until next time,
But that was only 1 test of 4 that have induced the anxiety over the past month plus. Next up was my 6 month consult with my oncologist. Every 3 months, we meet and he does blood work - mostly to keep an eye on my CEA. Some of you may recall that the normal range for CEA is 0-2.5 and a year ago, mine was 12.4. Post-chemo, that number had dropped to 1.4. 3-months ago, that number was 0.9, and yesterday, despite my feeling that it would go up given that I haven't been able to exercise (more on that later), it dropped even lower to 0.7! And so, I woke up this morning feeling pretty positive!
But I still have 2 more hurdles to jump in the next couple of weeks. At 6 months, my oncologist also orders a chest CT to make sure there is no visual evidence of cancer. Again, even though logic says that the results will be positive, the anxiety is still lurking below the surface. And finally, in mid-November, I will be having a CAT scan on my heart. I haven't spoken much about this publicly, but due to my post-Covid breathing issues, I had some heart testing done. Thankfully, my heart is functioning well; however, by accident, they spotted something that they want to look at further. I won't speculate and my oncologist reassures me that there's not much to worry about...but still, given my father's heart problems post-chemo and this finding, I'm still uneasy. My hope is that by Thanksgiving, the remaining 2 tests will come through with positive news and we can truly put to rest this anxiety inducing month + !!
(If only it was as easy to make work issues go away!!)
If you have made it this far, I guess that aside from wanting to fill everyone in and aside from me wanting to document this for my own reflection, I wanted to just share a bit of what many cancer survivors (and other long-term illness sufferers) go through in the days, months, and years past being "cleared" (and what others may or may not wish to share publicly for various reasons). While we want to celebrate life - and I'm doing my best to do just that, there is always the "What ifs" monster lurking below the surface.
With a 4/4 November, hopefully, I'll be able to fend off the monster for at least another year until my next Canciversary.
Until next time,
#GetScreened
#GratefulFighters
#GratefulFighters
