Learning to Breath

Learning to Breath - March 21, 2023

      Growing up at summer camps in the Midwest, it was necessary to have a bank of rainy day activities that could be implemented at a moments notice in a variety of settings and spaces. I suppose this could be true for camps all over the world, but I grew up here in the heartland and so I'm sticking with what I know. One such rainy day game is a "Sing Down." 

    For those unfamiliar, a Sing Down basically asks groups to formulate a list of songs with a specific word or concept in the lyrics. After a given time period to compile a list, groups go around and sing the appropriate tag-line from one song on their list. This continues, round-robin style. There are no repeats - if you repeat, you're out. If you run out of tunes, you're out. Last group standing with ideas is the winner of the round. I use this 'game' in my classroom sometimes when asking kids to brainstorm or generate ideas of one kind or another - it's a very versatile concept.

    In a surreal way, the last 2 weeks have had a sing-down quality for me as I have constantly been thinking of and singing songs in my head about breathing.  Yes, I know most of you have just paused, even for a second, to start thinking of songs with "Breath" or "Breathing" in them.

    Over the past 2 weeks, Brandi has done an amazing job of trying to keep people in the loop regarding my heart surgery and post-surgical recovery. I appreciate her ability to bring information and humor together during what must've been a pretty grueling few days for many of my family and friends with little 'real' information. It took me almost all week to finally start reading through the Caring Bridge posts, and it's all pretty strange to try and imagine things from the "other side."

   On my end, on Friday March 10th, I made a FB "see you on the other side" post, and that's about all you've heard from me for 2 weeks. They told Brandi it was time to go, we said goodbye, and they must have literally knocked me out as I was watching her walk away. It's all I remembered...until I woke up on March 11th, arms restrained, with a breathing tube stuffed down my trachea. I was barely breathing, and I could barely find any air (Duncan Sheik - "Barely Breathing").

    Now, if you had spoken to me before the surgery, I felt as if I had a very clear picture of the timeline. We re-verified that timeline with the nurses in pre-op. It was basically: Pre-op until 9:15;  procedural prep until about 11:15; procedure until about 1:30; Rest/Recovery/Breathing tube removal until about 3:30...and watching Friday Night March 10th B1G Tourney basketball by 5:30pm.

    My eyes opened though, it was light out, I saw March 11th on the dry erase board, I was barely breathing, and I knew something had gone wrong. I have to tell you that those few hours on March 11th were probably up there with the worst of my life. It was unexpected, I couldn't talk, I had no idea what was happening - and literally every breath I took, every move I made, was a struggle (The Police - "Every Breath You Take"). I won't go into a lot of details because I don't think I can adequately describe the hell I felt. For one, the hospital had asked me to skip my anti-anxiety meds for the day of surgery and here I was a day and a half later still without my meds, enjoying a very real panic attack inducing moment. The nurse kept telling me that they were working on getting the tube out soon, but those of you that have had to stay in a hospital know that "soon" and hospital do not go together. I recall Laina coming in the room at some point while I frantically 'shooed' her away - not wanting her to see me in such an awful state (and I still feel badly about that). And then I recall them running one test where they told me I was supposed to be able to breath, but I was getting no air, literally. Not quite Guantanamo Bay level torture, but it was damn awful and by the time they finally got that tube out, I couldn't have been more grateful as I began learning to breath again (David Broza - Matchil Linshom/"Starting to Breath").

    I'm still not exactly clear why things with the operation didn't go as planned. I know what Brandi has told me (and most of you know those things as well through the Caring Bridge) - a combination of previous lung issues added complications. But if I am being brutally honest, I do not know that I have fully recovered from that moment of waking and learning to breath which is why the Breath/Breathing songs have constantly been swirling in my head the past 2 weeks. It clouds things.

    So many of you have been so kind - and continually so - during these medical ordeals I have dealt with the past few years. You call, you text, you want to visit, you want to take care of me...and I feel bad because I'm just not there yet. Trust me, the meals and support you have given Brandi and the boys is essential and I am grateful for that. It helps...but I know that for many of you, you feel like you want to help me too, and I'm just not sure that's possible right now. 

    I have started and stopped writing this blog dozens of times the past 2 weeks because I am just not certain how to convey the above and what I'm feeling. And trust me, there are a million songs about breathing that I could continue to post, but you don't want that either. So for brevity's sake, here are some truths about how I'm feeling:

• I'm grateful to be alive, and I'm doing my best to continue to stay plugged in to the boys lives and activities - like being able to get out to see Alon in Lion King and attend his parent-teacher conferences. I will do my best to get to the sidelines for Ami's games and Nadav's games too.
• My biggest physical struggle right now is lung capacity and breathing. Some of that is natural post-cardiac surgery and some of it is amplified by my previous lung issues. What that means is that it can be hard to sleep and when the pain meds wear off, it is painful to breath deeply.
• Mentally, I am still in some kind of fog. I have not had a lot of conversations with others, but I find my self appalled at some of the things that come out of my mouth these days - misuse of words I normally use, and an inability to fully express myself. 
• My hope is that when I am fully weaned off the Oxy (which I never wanted to take in the first place and of which I'm not taking large amounts) and when I am able to sleep better, the fog will lift more. But for now, sleeping is a major issue.
• While I do have some back/chest pain from the surgery, by and large, my body is doing okay with incision, healing, and bone-rebuilding process.
• The docs and nurses and staff at NW treated me so well. I am grateful to them.
  
• Even if I haven't responded to your calls, messages, etc., I am grateful for all of you that have sent so much strength the past 2 weeks. It is my power well.
• My close family and friends have been so incredible in supporting Brandi and the boys. Those that know me, know that that IS the most important thing.
• Brandi is just beyond words. I have no idea where I'd be without her on a daily basis, even more magnified and true the past 2 years and even more the past 2 weeks. She has been so strong, so confident, so willing to take care of me when I most need and she's exhausted...I hope she won't resent me one day for these hardships :(
• Finally, I am so excited that she gets to go to Iceland next week with her mom and Heath to 'get away' and to hopefully relax and blow off steam. My goal has been to be well enough so she can go...and I think I'm there. (But if I need, trust me, I will reach out.)

    To sum up, I am okay. But I'm not 100% okay - physically or mentally - and I'm kind of in an introverted phase right now. That doesn't mean you can't call or message or whatever. But it does mean that I may or may not answer depending on how I'm feeling in the exact moment. The support still matters though and I appreciate it all.

In another time and space, I'd probably find some way to continue this "Breathing" sing down for kicks and giggles, but I'm really exhausted (oh year, another thing that happens a lot these days), and I think I'm just going to nap.

One day at a time.
Love you all.

#GetScreened
#GratefulFighters

 

 

 

 

This is a (really long) post for all the good people...

As kids, many of us think we are invincible - immortal, even. At some point though, we realize that our time on Earth is finite. Obviously, we would all love to go with Han Solo (& James Bond) to Petra in order to choose wisely a chalice, The Holy Grail,  to drink from the fountain of youth...but unfortunately, that is just a figment of Steven Spielberg's imagination.

Lost yet? Well, welcome to my world because these are the things that run through my mind these days - mostly in the middle of the night - when I wake up and cannot fall back asleep. And yes, for some reason, Indiana Jones comes to mind a lot as I take a leap of faith in the medical world - likely because one Jones movie or another is always on TV. I mean, song lyrics are up there too in terms of what runs through my head in those dark moments, but we'll play a bit with those later...

 

 

Of the many thoughts swimming in my head the past couple of months since my heart diagnosis is mortality. I mean, let's face it, while my surgeon is good - and trust me, I asked his success rate for this specific procedure, there's still a non-zero chance that things go south on Thursday. And while I try not to dwell on the negative, it can be hard to get the "what ifs" out of my head as I lay awake in bed unable to sleep.

Inevitably, the what ifs focus on three things. First of all and on the positive side, I have a list in my head of all of the things I have wanted to accomplish in my life and that list includes goals that extend beyond Thursday. To be sure, I have accomplished and experienced so much professionally and personally. I am a published educator who is hopefully impacting students here at my school, around the country, and potentially around the world as we were just told that our Science Literacy book was recommended for our publisher's world-wide online professional development platform. It is satisfying to know I am respected and making an impact! And personally, I have an amazing wife and three great kids. I joke about them a lot, but they are my greatest accomplishment and they bring so much pure joy (and....excitement) to my life. There was a time where I wasn't sure I would get married or find someone courageous enough to tolerate me for a lifetime (Brandi would tell you my mom is still paying)...and here I am with an amazing family. I'm proud of my boys for what they have and will accomplish themselves. I am determined to see that list through - graduations are first up!

The second thing that creeps into my mind is my funeral. In truth, I don't dwell on this one too much, but there are a few things I know. I want people to celebrate because it happened, and I want everyone to listen to Jerry Garcia Band's full 12-minute version of Beasley Smith's 1949 hit "That Lucky Old Sun" from Milwaukee, Wisconsin November 23rd, 1991. The raw emotion of Jerry's soulful voice and Melvin Seal's organ hits me in the feels every time. In fact, it was the first song that popped up on my playlist this morning in the car. People would really understand me by listening to the emotions in that song.

Lastly, and most significantly, the thing that keeps me up and has vexed me the past few months is the simple question: If you knew you were going to die in advance, would all of the people in your life know how you feel about them? Would you tell them and how? I have gone back and forth on this in my mind over and over again since December 23rd, 2022 when the doc confirmed that I would have to have this open heart procedure. I mean, it's impossible, right? How could I possibly find a way and the time to let everyone know how I feel about them? At one point, I considered writing everyone down that has impacted my life, but realized I would somehow forget to list someone and the good intentions would be lost. The whole thing and the thought process has been emotionally overwhelming. I have shed many tears about this over the past few weeks because it is so important to me that you know, that you ALL know.

And yet, part of me does find comfort in knowing that I *think* and hope most of you - especially those of you who have actually read this far and deserve some kind of award -  know how much I love and appreciate you. Every one who is reading this has impacted my life in one way or another - and it is so important to me that you know that.

So in the end, to borrow the lyrics of Ken Hicks (1978):

This is a post for all the good people
All the good people who touched up my life.
This is a song for all the good people
People I'm thankin' my stars for tonight.

• My friends from OSRUI & Ramah - some even like me after 40+ years!
• My friends from Youth Group and CFTY and BJBE and Beth Shalom and all of the spiritual corners of my life.
• My Shorashim US and Israel family who have all impacted my life in such amazing ways.
• My friends from school and the old neighborhood - Kildeer, Twin Groves, and SHS - especially those who I have reconnected with and started hanging with regularly the past few months.
• My Illini friends who built a lifetime of music, memories, sports, and fun for me.
• My social media circle - the Facebookers and Instragrammers and Tweeters, yes it's a thing! Those who support me and allow me to joke and vent and learn and keep in touch. 
• All of the coaches that have impacted my boys as mentors and role models - from Park District Fields to FC Mirage to Field Middle School
• Our Schechter teachers and community and our Field teachers and community who have nurtured and continue to inspire the boys emotionally and educationally and Judaically.
  

This is a verse for all the good people
Whose songs and whose voices have blended with mine
On the back steps and driveways, for hugs and for love,
It's some kind of sharing and some kind of fine.

• My colleagues, past and present, who have pushed me to be the best educator I could be, and who amaze and inspire me to this day.
• My Lit Coach partners and friends who keep me sane on the daily.
• My Northbrook friends. neighbors, parents of the boys' friends, and all of the travel soccer parents who have kept me company on the sidelines and school events, and who have lifted us up over the past few tough years.
• Friends of my parents and friends of the family that have meant so much throughout my life.
  
• Brandi's friends who have welcomed me in from the get-go and become a branch on my tree.
• My music family - a fabulous group held together, not by blood, but by singing and dancing and loving - can't wait to take that ride again with you all!
• My boys (even the Badgers) and my poker group and Fantasy Football groups - all of the laughs & good times we've shared.

This is a song for all the good people
Who shared up my time, some good and some bad
We drank in the kitchen and shared our ambition
Each knowing the other was a great friend to have 

• My extended family by blood and by marriage who love and care for us unconditionally and to whom  I'm forever indebted.
• My mother, father, brother, and sister - because of you, I am the man I am today and you've put up with me for the better parts of your lives.
• My incredible wife - what a life we've built and what strength she has! I won the lottery there and no words can describe how much I love her!
• And my amazing boys who I also love dearly and take such pride in their accomplishments.
  

This is a song for all the good people
All the good people who touched up my life.
Some helped in small ways, and make a difference most days
And most always told me you're doin' all right. 

 

Amazing how many people have impacted my life in different ways and from so many places, and how many of you belong in more than one of the groups above.  And again, if you have read this far or even skimmed, I just need each and every one of you to know how much you mean to my life and how much I love and cherish you. No matter what happens on 3.9.23, and the likelihood is that it will all be fine, please know that I'm talking to you and I'm grateful for you.

Until our paths cross again...

You are the people I'm thankin' my stars for tonight.
 

Love,
dan