Lost yet? Well, welcome to my world because these are the things that run through my mind these days - mostly in the middle of the night - when I wake up and cannot fall back asleep. And yes, for some reason, Indiana Jones comes to mind a lot as I take a leap of faith in the medical world - likely because one Jones movie or another is always on TV. I mean, song lyrics are up there too in terms of what runs through my head in those dark moments, but we'll play a bit with those later...
Of the many thoughts swimming in my head the past couple of months since my heart diagnosis is mortality. I mean, let's face it, while my surgeon is good - and trust me, I asked his success rate for this specific procedure, there's still a non-zero chance that things go south on Thursday. And while I try not to dwell on the negative, it can be hard to get the "what ifs" out of my head as I lay awake in bed unable to sleep.
Inevitably, the what ifs focus on three things. First of all and on the positive side, I have a list in my head of all of the things I have wanted to accomplish in my life and that list includes goals that extend beyond Thursday. To be sure, I have accomplished and experienced so much professionally and personally. I am a published educator who is hopefully impacting students here at my school, around the country, and potentially around the world as we were just told that our Science Literacy book was recommended for our publisher's world-wide online professional development platform. It is satisfying to know I am respected and making an impact! And personally, I have an amazing wife and three great kids. I joke about them a lot, but they are my greatest accomplishment and they bring so much pure joy (and....excitement) to my life. There was a time where I wasn't sure I would get married or find someone courageous enough to tolerate me for a lifetime (Brandi would tell you my mom is still paying)...and here I am with an amazing family. I'm proud of my boys for what they have and will accomplish themselves. I am determined to see that list through - graduations are first up!
The second thing that creeps into my mind is my funeral. In truth, I don't dwell on this one too much, but there are a few things I know. I want people to celebrate because it happened, and I want everyone to listen to Jerry Garcia Band's full 12-minute version of Beasley Smith's 1949 hit "That Lucky Old Sun" from Milwaukee, Wisconsin November 23rd, 1991. The raw emotion of Jerry's soulful voice and Melvin Seal's organ hits me in the feels every time. In fact, it was the first song that popped up on my playlist this morning in the car. People would really understand me by listening to the emotions in that song.
Lastly, and most significantly, the thing that keeps me up and has vexed me the past few months is the simple question: If you knew you were going to die in advance, would all of the people in your life know how you feel about them? Would you tell them and how? I have gone back and forth on this in my mind over and over again since December 23rd, 2022 when the doc confirmed that I would have to have this open heart procedure. I mean, it's impossible, right? How could I possibly find a way and the time to let everyone know how I feel about them? At one point, I considered writing everyone down that has impacted my life, but realized I would somehow forget to list someone and the good intentions would be lost. The whole thing and the thought process has been emotionally overwhelming. I have shed many tears about this over the past few weeks because it is so important to me that you know, that you ALL know.
And yet, part of me does find comfort in knowing that I *think* and hope most of you - especially those of you who have actually read this far and deserve some kind of award - know how much I love and appreciate you. Every one who is reading this has impacted my life in one way or another - and it is so important to me that you know that.
So in the end, to borrow the lyrics of Ken Hicks (1978):
Inevitably, the what ifs focus on three things. First of all and on the positive side, I have a list in my head of all of the things I have wanted to accomplish in my life and that list includes goals that extend beyond Thursday. To be sure, I have accomplished and experienced so much professionally and personally. I am a published educator who is hopefully impacting students here at my school, around the country, and potentially around the world as we were just told that our Science Literacy book was recommended for our publisher's world-wide online professional development platform. It is satisfying to know I am respected and making an impact! And personally, I have an amazing wife and three great kids. I joke about them a lot, but they are my greatest accomplishment and they bring so much pure joy (and....excitement) to my life. There was a time where I wasn't sure I would get married or find someone courageous enough to tolerate me for a lifetime (Brandi would tell you my mom is still paying)...and here I am with an amazing family. I'm proud of my boys for what they have and will accomplish themselves. I am determined to see that list through - graduations are first up!
The second thing that creeps into my mind is my funeral. In truth, I don't dwell on this one too much, but there are a few things I know. I want people to celebrate because it happened, and I want everyone to listen to Jerry Garcia Band's full 12-minute version of Beasley Smith's 1949 hit "That Lucky Old Sun" from Milwaukee, Wisconsin November 23rd, 1991. The raw emotion of Jerry's soulful voice and Melvin Seal's organ hits me in the feels every time. In fact, it was the first song that popped up on my playlist this morning in the car. People would really understand me by listening to the emotions in that song.
Lastly, and most significantly, the thing that keeps me up and has vexed me the past few months is the simple question: If you knew you were going to die in advance, would all of the people in your life know how you feel about them? Would you tell them and how? I have gone back and forth on this in my mind over and over again since December 23rd, 2022 when the doc confirmed that I would have to have this open heart procedure. I mean, it's impossible, right? How could I possibly find a way and the time to let everyone know how I feel about them? At one point, I considered writing everyone down that has impacted my life, but realized I would somehow forget to list someone and the good intentions would be lost. The whole thing and the thought process has been emotionally overwhelming. I have shed many tears about this over the past few weeks because it is so important to me that you know, that you ALL know.
And yet, part of me does find comfort in knowing that I *think* and hope most of you - especially those of you who have actually read this far and deserve some kind of award - know how much I love and appreciate you. Every one who is reading this has impacted my life in one way or another - and it is so important to me that you know that.
So in the end, to borrow the lyrics of Ken Hicks (1978):
This is a post for all the good people
All the good people who touched up my life.
This is a song for all the good people
People I'm thankin' my stars for tonight.
- My friends from OSRUI & Ramah - some even like me after 40+ years!
- My friends from Youth Group and CFTY and BJBE and Beth Shalom and all of the spiritual corners of my life.
- My Shorashim US and Israel family who have all impacted my life in such amazing ways.
- My friends from school and the old neighborhood - Kildeer, Twin Groves, and SHS - especially those who I have reconnected with and started hanging with regularly the past few months.
- My Illini friends who built a lifetime of music, memories, sports, and fun for me.
- My social media circle - the Facebookers and Instragrammers and Tweeters, yes it's a thing! Those who support me and allow me to joke and vent and learn and keep in touch.
- All of the coaches that have impacted my boys as mentors and role models - from Park District Fields to FC Mirage to Field Middle School
- Our Schechter teachers and community and our Field teachers and community who have nurtured and continue to inspire the boys emotionally and educationally and Judaically.
This is a verse for all the good people
Whose songs and whose voices have blended with mine
On the back steps and driveways, for hugs and for love,
It's some kind of sharing and some kind of fine.
Whose songs and whose voices have blended with mine
On the back steps and driveways, for hugs and for love,
It's some kind of sharing and some kind of fine.
- My colleagues, past and present, who have pushed me to be the best educator I could be, and who amaze and inspire me to this day.
- My Lit Coach partners and friends who keep me sane on the daily.
- My Northbrook friends. neighbors, parents of the boys' friends, and all of the travel soccer parents who have kept me company on the sidelines and school events, and who have lifted us up over the past few tough years.
- Friends of my parents and friends of the family that have meant so much throughout my life.
- Brandi's friends who have welcomed me in from the get-go and become a branch on my tree.
- My music family - a fabulous group held together, not by blood, but by singing and dancing and loving - can't wait to take that ride again with you all!
- My boys (even the Badgers) and my poker group and Fantasy Football groups - all of the laughs & good times we've shared.
This is a song for all the good people
Who shared up my time, some good and some bad
We drank in the kitchen and shared our ambition
Each knowing the other was a great friend to have
Who shared up my time, some good and some bad
We drank in the kitchen and shared our ambition
Each knowing the other was a great friend to have
- My extended family by blood and by marriage who love and care for us unconditionally and to whom I'm forever indebted.
- My mother, father, brother, and sister - because of you, I am the man I am today and you've put up with me for the better parts of your lives.
- My incredible wife - what a life we've built and what strength she has! I won the lottery there and no words can describe how much I love her!
- And my amazing boys who I also love dearly and take such pride in their accomplishments.
This is a song for all the good people
All the good people who touched up my life.
Some helped in small ways, and make a difference most days
And most always told me you're doin' all right.
All the good people who touched up my life.
Some helped in small ways, and make a difference most days
And most always told me you're doin' all right.
Amazing how many people have impacted my life in different ways and from so many places, and how many of you belong in more than one of the groups above. And again, if you have read this far or even skimmed, I just need each and every one of you to know how much you mean to my life and how much I love and cherish you. No matter what happens on 3.9.23, and the likelihood is that it will all be fine, please know that I'm talking to you and I'm grateful for you.
Until our paths cross again...
Until our paths cross again...
You are the people I'm thankin' my stars for tonight.
Love,
dan
dan
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