America - We Have a Problem

 5.24.22

I'm sick to my stomach.

I'm sick to my stomach because as of this moment, we are mourning another school shooting. At least 18 kids and 1 teacher are dead. 23 years after Columbine, 15 years after Va Tech, almost 10 years after Sandy Hook, 4+ years after Parkland, and several other school shootings, we now have the 4th deadliest school shooting in American history at Robb Elementary School. 

I am sick to my stomach because as a teacher, for 23 years I am constantly looking at exits and places to duck for cover when I walk through the halls; and I know in my heart that with a gunman at the door of my classroom, I'd take a bullet for my students - it's in my DNA.

I'm sick to my stomach because we seem unable to solve this horrid problem.

I'm sick to my stomach because instead of engaging in dialogue, this issue has turned into political football with two sides - the GOP and Dems - lobbing accusations at each other. Heels dug in, unable and unwilling to find potential solutions to the gun problem in America.

I am sick to my stomach because in a few days, this tragedy will be swept under the rug and forgotten.  The media fanfare will subside. Meanwhile, kids will continue dying in the streets of America's cities every day without much publicity because we have a gun problem in this country - and it isn't just school shootings.

I am sick to my stomach because blacks are killing blacks in the streets of America and racists are killing blacks and brown people in super markets and churches.

I am sick to my stomach because this is not only a gun problem. This is a mental health problem. This is an economic problem. This is a nuclear family problem. And this will require action on several fronts by people with the courage to make changes in policy and in our communities.

I am sick to my stomach because we have a problem and instead of working together to solve it - we are more divided than ever, and as long as we remain polarized, we will be paralyzed to stop the next shooting and the next and the next.

I am sick to my stomach because our inaction is a sin and it is on our shoulders. History will judge us harshly.

I pray for the day when we can find a way to work together to end this violence in our schools, on our streets, in our places of worship, in our work spaces, and in other public venues.

And of course, tonight I pray for the parents and families of the Robb Elementary School community. I cannot imagine their pain tonight. My heart breaks for them all.

I am sick to my stomach.  G-d help us.

The Yin and Yang of it

5.4.22

 

The Yin and Yang of It 

 

Part 1: The Yang (this is long - consider yourself warned)

I am entering today with mixed emotions. The Yang of it is that today is my 12th and (hopefully) final chemotherapy treatment. The Yin of it is that it is Yom HaZikaron - Israel's Memorial Day for Soldiers and Terror Victims. So I suppose I will save my fist pumping celebration until later tonight when Yom HaZikaron turns to Yom Ha'Atzmaut - Israel's Independence Day.

In a way, the symbolism of treatment 12 falling at this time is not lost on me. In Israel, there is deep mourning for 24 hours to remember those that sacrificed so Jews could be a free people in our ancestral homeland - and then boom, just like that, we compartmentalize and celebrate the realization of what those who lost their lives fought for - our beautiful state, the realization of thousands of years of exile.

I, too, am transitioning today. While I'm thinking and remembering those who have fallen (more on that in the Yin post as you might have guessed), I am poisoning my body with chemicals for the last (hopefully) time. After this, I hit the road to recovery - celebrating hope and optimism - and I'm determined to be healthier and firmly defeat this damned beast. So far, my CEA numbers are a positive indicator that I am unofficially in remission. My doctor, this morning, was really pleased with my normal CEA number and anticipates that my CT scan Monday morning will verify that I am cancer free. Cautious Optimism is the rule here.

And I am only here because of you all. Seriously. The love and support and prayers and gifts and meals - all of it, has made the last 8 months fly by. When I was down, you lifted me up. When I needed energy, you were there. So this is my thank you post. Yes, during my last chemo, I am thinking of all of you and all you have done - and I"m so grateful. And I'm going to do something unwise here - I'm going to try to list thank yous and thank some people specifically for some of the help along the way...and I will likely miss people, which I hate (and I'll deserve your ridicule if I miss you). So just know that even if you're not mentioned here, I'm grateful to you as well. I realize this will be long and some of you may not want to read through it all (I won't be offended) - but I need, NEED, you all to know how unbelievably thankful I am for your generosity.

• Thank you for all of the notes, prayers, texts, DMs, check-ins, and more. It has been humbling to know that so many of you are thinking of me when things are so tough for all of us in this world today. That you dedicated time in your busy lives to think of me meant so much and helped immensely.
• Thank you to everyone that has scheduled screenings, had their colonoscopies, and spread the word to others. Knowing that our #GetScreened message was out there and making a difference helped give me strength to continue my own battle. Because if people were out there making an effort to drink that stuff (or take the pills) and go through that 'cleansing', I could also fight my battle with strength and determination.
• Thank you to my colleagues - particularly Nicole L, Anastasiya, Maureen, Nicole D. My friends know how important my work and students are to me. My friends who are teachers know that making sub plans is a chore. These amazing ladies made sure I never had to think twice about missing work in order to take care of myself. 'Such a gift.
• Thank you to Palfy and Jeff for covering Brandi's classes when needed so she could focus on taking care of me.
  
• Thank you to Laurie P and Carrie F for organizing the meal trains and to everyone who so generously made sure that Brandi and the boys were well fed. It was an incredible load off our minds to be so well taken care of over the last few months. I want to name you all, but there are too many!
• Thank you to all of my colleagues who provided gift cards and gifts - especially my colleagues and friends in the SS (Sarah G, Naomi, Lindsay DePaul, Jenna Breur, Janessa, Lizzie, Melissa Fainman, Chris Mural) and Science/Math departments (Amy, Paige, Amerigo, Stanny, Abbie, Jeff, Kellie, Deanna, Jin, Cahill, Molly G, Molly S) at work. Add in the Pintas, Johnstons, Rubensteins, and Zara D as well. You are all incredibly generous.
• Thank you to Christina and Jason Wood for regularly delivering cookies and homemade soups - best Minestrone I have ever had.
  
• Thank you for the books (Robert, Jules, Sprout), book marks (Cris H), Comfy Blankets (Maureen, Brian, Nicole D, Gluskins), Cookies (Christy K), sweet treats (Anna G), Grateful Dead Coloring Book (Rach & Albie), and tools to battle chemo (Leora K) that popped up regularly. 
• I need to thank friends from around the country and world that have been so generous with gift cards and constant check-ins: friends like Denise D who not only sent food but also regularly checked in on me to cheer me up.  Alon and Rikki from OSRUI, who sent gifts but also sent specific spa support for Brandi.
  
• Thank you to our amazing neighbors. The Dobkins who brought chicken wings & cookies, The Greenbergs who regularly left gifts and messages for me - including my cancer warrior socks, books, and ginger to fight the nausea. The Sorianos for regularly driving the boys to school and/or morning practice. All of it so very helpful!
• Thank you to Team Ramah for the swag, and thank you to Rabbi Melman for regularly texting and calling and supporting us throughout the past 8 months - even while on sabbatical. 
• I have to thank Schloop who has been one of my biggest cheerleaders throughout this ordeal. I wrote about him in the "One Day at a Time" post. That mantra, repeatedly given to me in support from Jeff,  has been a constant in my mindset and has given me strength to meet each day head on.
  
• Thank you to my boys - Aaron, Seth, Bret, Rich (Dave and Kai too) and Flagg/Shaggy- for getting me out of the house once in awhile, for the meals, cards, and for all the love.
• A brief thank you to all who generously donated to Nadav's Grateful Fighters bracelet project and raised more money than I would have ever imagined. Particularly Kurtz, the Malinas, Dubes, and Rabbi Melman who blew me away and were beyond generous. I also have to thank Mark Green here who I saw, via livestream, soliciting bracelet donations at Laina's bday bash. I've been incredibly touched by all of you.
• Thank you to Matt at Rock Free Love who has been instrumental in designing the Grateful Fighters logo and merch. Matt has spent a lot of his own time on this endeavor and the distraction and mission have been a big help with my mindset. We are still determined to get final licensing issues out of the way so people that want can purchase hoodies, Tshirts, hats and more to support our cancer charity work and outreach.
  
• Thank you to my friend Patrick, who I only met last September. In talking about our early deadhead days, I mentioned how I love Tiger's Eye stones and how I used to always wear one in the late 80s/early 90s. I did not remember this conversation until 2 weeks ago a beautiful Tiger's Eye necklace showed up at my house. I was blown away and I've worn it for strength and good vibes every day since.
• Thank you to my brother, sister, and brothers in law (and families) for the love and support. Knowing you're in my corner and that you are there for us in a moment's notice is huge!
  
• Thank you to my parents, Shari, and Bob. Your support has always been essential to our lives - but it has been even more so over the past 8 months. I could never list all you do for us, but suffice to say that we'd be lost without you!
• Thank you to my friend, Laina. You have walked every step on this journey with me and Brandi. Not only have you provided us with support and love, but you have been instrumental in making Grateful Fighters, just a dream we dreamed one afternoon long ago, to become a reality. You have helped us make a difference with outreach about getting screened and with fundraising. You have constantly called, texted, researched, cheered me on, cheered me up, given love to Brandi and the boys, and so much more. Love you so much.
• And finally, I have to thank Brandi. I will not and cannot express everything Brandi has done for me and the boys over the last 8 months. From the moment the docs gave us the bad news, Brandi has been in warrior mode - regardless of her own needs, she has kept our family together, kept up with work, provided everything for the boys, planned an unexpected bar mitzvah party, planned a family Israel trip, and more. There simply are not enough words to describe how much I'm in awe of everything you've had to do to help us beat this thing. I'll probably spend the rest of my life trying to re-pay you and definitely spend the rest of my life continuing to love you to the moon and back. We are here because of you and my landscape would be empty if you were gone.
  

If you have made it this far, I'm impressed.  If I missed anyone in particular or didn't mention you by name - definitely throw me under the bus because I'm a forgetful jerk...BUT, please know that even the shortest messages, the gifts, the silent prayers and all of the love have enabled us to get to this day.

Today, I reflect on the Yin - the battle, the fight, the struggle, and I am also thinking of Israel and those that sacrificed. Tonight and beyond, we focus on the Yang and we celebrate the journey back to full health.

#GetScreened
#GratefulFighters