Learning to Breath

Learning to Breath - March 21, 2023

      Growing up at summer camps in the Midwest, it was necessary to have a bank of rainy day activities that could be implemented at a moments notice in a variety of settings and spaces. I suppose this could be true for camps all over the world, but I grew up here in the heartland and so I'm sticking with what I know. One such rainy day game is a "Sing Down." 

    For those unfamiliar, a Sing Down basically asks groups to formulate a list of songs with a specific word or concept in the lyrics. After a given time period to compile a list, groups go around and sing the appropriate tag-line from one song on their list. This continues, round-robin style. There are no repeats - if you repeat, you're out. If you run out of tunes, you're out. Last group standing with ideas is the winner of the round. I use this 'game' in my classroom sometimes when asking kids to brainstorm or generate ideas of one kind or another - it's a very versatile concept.

    In a surreal way, the last 2 weeks have had a sing-down quality for me as I have constantly been thinking of and singing songs in my head about breathing.  Yes, I know most of you have just paused, even for a second, to start thinking of songs with "Breath" or "Breathing" in them.

    Over the past 2 weeks, Brandi has done an amazing job of trying to keep people in the loop regarding my heart surgery and post-surgical recovery. I appreciate her ability to bring information and humor together during what must've been a pretty grueling few days for many of my family and friends with little 'real' information. It took me almost all week to finally start reading through the Caring Bridge posts, and it's all pretty strange to try and imagine things from the "other side."

   On my end, on Friday March 10th, I made a FB "see you on the other side" post, and that's about all you've heard from me for 2 weeks. They told Brandi it was time to go, we said goodbye, and they must have literally knocked me out as I was watching her walk away. It's all I remembered...until I woke up on March 11th, arms restrained, with a breathing tube stuffed down my trachea. I was barely breathing, and I could barely find any air (Duncan Sheik - "Barely Breathing").

    Now, if you had spoken to me before the surgery, I felt as if I had a very clear picture of the timeline. We re-verified that timeline with the nurses in pre-op. It was basically: Pre-op until 9:15;  procedural prep until about 11:15; procedure until about 1:30; Rest/Recovery/Breathing tube removal until about 3:30...and watching Friday Night March 10th B1G Tourney basketball by 5:30pm.

    My eyes opened though, it was light out, I saw March 11th on the dry erase board, I was barely breathing, and I knew something had gone wrong. I have to tell you that those few hours on March 11th were probably up there with the worst of my life. It was unexpected, I couldn't talk, I had no idea what was happening - and literally every breath I took, every move I made, was a struggle (The Police - "Every Breath You Take"). I won't go into a lot of details because I don't think I can adequately describe the hell I felt. For one, the hospital had asked me to skip my anti-anxiety meds for the day of surgery and here I was a day and a half later still without my meds, enjoying a very real panic attack inducing moment. The nurse kept telling me that they were working on getting the tube out soon, but those of you that have had to stay in a hospital know that "soon" and hospital do not go together. I recall Laina coming in the room at some point while I frantically 'shooed' her away - not wanting her to see me in such an awful state (and I still feel badly about that). And then I recall them running one test where they told me I was supposed to be able to breath, but I was getting no air, literally. Not quite Guantanamo Bay level torture, but it was damn awful and by the time they finally got that tube out, I couldn't have been more grateful as I began learning to breath again (David Broza - Matchil Linshom/"Starting to Breath").

    I'm still not exactly clear why things with the operation didn't go as planned. I know what Brandi has told me (and most of you know those things as well through the Caring Bridge) - a combination of previous lung issues added complications. But if I am being brutally honest, I do not know that I have fully recovered from that moment of waking and learning to breath which is why the Breath/Breathing songs have constantly been swirling in my head the past 2 weeks. It clouds things.

    So many of you have been so kind - and continually so - during these medical ordeals I have dealt with the past few years. You call, you text, you want to visit, you want to take care of me...and I feel bad because I'm just not there yet. Trust me, the meals and support you have given Brandi and the boys is essential and I am grateful for that. It helps...but I know that for many of you, you feel like you want to help me too, and I'm just not sure that's possible right now. 

    I have started and stopped writing this blog dozens of times the past 2 weeks because I am just not certain how to convey the above and what I'm feeling. And trust me, there are a million songs about breathing that I could continue to post, but you don't want that either. So for brevity's sake, here are some truths about how I'm feeling:

• I'm grateful to be alive, and I'm doing my best to continue to stay plugged in to the boys lives and activities - like being able to get out to see Alon in Lion King and attend his parent-teacher conferences. I will do my best to get to the sidelines for Ami's games and Nadav's games too.
• My biggest physical struggle right now is lung capacity and breathing. Some of that is natural post-cardiac surgery and some of it is amplified by my previous lung issues. What that means is that it can be hard to sleep and when the pain meds wear off, it is painful to breath deeply.
• Mentally, I am still in some kind of fog. I have not had a lot of conversations with others, but I find my self appalled at some of the things that come out of my mouth these days - misuse of words I normally use, and an inability to fully express myself. 
• My hope is that when I am fully weaned off the Oxy (which I never wanted to take in the first place and of which I'm not taking large amounts) and when I am able to sleep better, the fog will lift more. But for now, sleeping is a major issue.
• While I do have some back/chest pain from the surgery, by and large, my body is doing okay with incision, healing, and bone-rebuilding process.
• The docs and nurses and staff at NW treated me so well. I am grateful to them.
  
• Even if I haven't responded to your calls, messages, etc., I am grateful for all of you that have sent so much strength the past 2 weeks. It is my power well.
• My close family and friends have been so incredible in supporting Brandi and the boys. Those that know me, know that that IS the most important thing.
• Brandi is just beyond words. I have no idea where I'd be without her on a daily basis, even more magnified and true the past 2 years and even more the past 2 weeks. She has been so strong, so confident, so willing to take care of me when I most need and she's exhausted...I hope she won't resent me one day for these hardships :(
• Finally, I am so excited that she gets to go to Iceland next week with her mom and Heath to 'get away' and to hopefully relax and blow off steam. My goal has been to be well enough so she can go...and I think I'm there. (But if I need, trust me, I will reach out.)

    To sum up, I am okay. But I'm not 100% okay - physically or mentally - and I'm kind of in an introverted phase right now. That doesn't mean you can't call or message or whatever. But it does mean that I may or may not answer depending on how I'm feeling in the exact moment. The support still matters though and I appreciate it all.

In another time and space, I'd probably find some way to continue this "Breathing" sing down for kicks and giggles, but I'm really exhausted (oh year, another thing that happens a lot these days), and I think I'm just going to nap.

One day at a time.
Love you all.

#GetScreened
#GratefulFighters