I Have Cancer

10.11.21

I have cancer.

Many of you already know it, but I apologize if this is a surprise to some of you. It’s been a whirlwind couple of weeks.

 

I have cancer.

 

The more I say it, the easier it is to accept the fight that is in front of me. I did not think it would be that

way; I do not like to be the center of attention and I figured I would never share such a journey publicly.

But here we are, and the battle is on, and the more I say it, the more I ready myself to fight.

 

The 2 weeks have been quite a ride. So much has happened, so many emotions, so many dreams an

nightmares. I want to write them all down. Some I will share, and others, I may not. For a while, I’ll be

writing “catch up” as I try to capture the past couple of weeks. Eventually, though, I will be documenting

this fight - and victory. But I want to capture them so that I remember - capture them so that my

beautiful wife and amazing sons will someday have a piece of me and my mind that they can keep

forever. 

But to be clear, that someday is not now. I refuse to give in. Those that know me best, know that I am

a stubborn son-of-a-bitch, so this attitude will be of no surprise.

The real surprise was the diagnosis. I am not sure we are ever prepared to hear such news, and

Monday September 27th was pretty surreal for me. I mean, I never thought I would live forever. In fact,

there have been times in my life (college) where I lived life in the fast lane, so much so that I think at

the onset of my panic/anxiety attacks in the mid-90s, I thought I was just having a midlife crisis. I was

25ish, and there was a part of me that thought I would not live to be 50, hence the midlife concept. But

I thought my enemy was going to be heart related - not cancer.

And so maybe the diagnosis should not have been a shocker - but it was. Today, looking back on that

day, it feels like a dream. I was coming out of the anesthesia trance, and I know the doctor sat down

and said the words, but I cannot picture the scene for the life of me. I know I was stunned, I know I felt

like my brain and body turned numb, I know I listened to the doc’s explanation and maybe even asked

questions...but it’s all a blur.

At that moment, my wife entered warrior mode. She has been an incredible rock of stability over the

past 2 weeks - even though I know she must be scared like me. Same can be said for my parents. I

told them right away because I felt like they deserved to know. They have been great as well, although

I am sure they are scared - even as my father fights his own battle with Lymphoma.
 

So yes, it is scary. I can be ready for battle, I can even say the words, “I have cancer” and accept the

challenge with positivity - but it is scary. But, I will not let that part define me.

I have cancer.

I choose to be a warrior.

*Quick edit: Since I first drafted this, so many people have reached out, have been so kind. I'm overwhelmed with gratitude. More on that later...