Just a little over a month. It is absolutely crazy how much life can change in such a short time.
I think that for a long time, I was on cruise control. It is easy to understand why. I have had a successful career for 25 years. I am a published author. I have incredible parents, siblings, in-laws, wife, kids, and friends. I have everything I need...except maybe an Illini national championship. I am blessed.
But for me, as you know by now, September 27th, changed everything. Since that moment, I have done what I can to stop taking things for granted. I turned off the cruise control. I have done my best to look at each day and each moment as special - and I have started the process of trying to share moments with the people in my life to make sure they know how much I love and appreciate them - whether we have been friends for weeks, months, years, decades, or lifetimes. To my friends reading this, if we have not had a chance to reconnect and share a hug, a memory, or more, just know that it is coming, soon I hope, and that every one of you in my life matter.
Over the past month, while waiting for the next steps, I have had a lot of time to reflect. And while the waiting to get to the next step, eager to get the next battle started is difficult, I am grateful for the renewed perspective that has come with the time to reflect. Hopefully, not only will I emerge from this healthier of body, but also of mind.
That being said, there is a yin and yang to having so much waiting time. Right now, we are in a holding pattern - caught between healing from surgery and awaiting treatment pathways, chemo or otherwise. I have been home from the hospital for a week, and other than the little 24 hour adventure where I must have had a stomach bug, I have felt really good. No doubt, a large part of that is due to your thoughts and prayers and love.
Waiting. While the reflection time is good, the flip side is there is also time to struggle with my demons. For one, I feel useless in so many ways. I am hoping that on Wednesday, the surgeon will clear me to drive and do a bit more physical work - so I can feel useful again and take some of the burden off of Brandi. Right now, I am looking out my window and feeling the urge to go mow the lawn.
I am also struggling with guilt. I feel so badly for putting the people I love through this trauma. Maybe if I had lived my life a bit healthier or differently, I could have spared everyone this emotional ordeal. I keep apologizing to my mom, my wife, my kids, and I feel badly that so many of our friends have stopped their lives to bring us meals and to help us move furniture and to cover my duties at work. I really wish I was not sitting here, writing these words, waiting to meet with doctors to tell me what the immediate battle will entail. Waiting to know whether or not I will be able to make it down to Florida in December to attend my lovely niece's bat mitzvah, waiting to know whether or not my illness will prevent the family trip to Israel next June, waiting to know when I can return to work and get back to my students and colleagues...yes, the waiting is the hardest part.
For those wondering, here are the next steps:
1. Wednesday, we will meet with the surgeon to make sure the healing is progressing as well as we think it is. Again, hoping I'll be cleared to drive and do some work.
2. I will meet with two oncologists to discuss their treatment plans and philosophies. The first one is 11.9 and the second is 11.15. After those two meetings, we will know more about treatment options and plans.
And here is how I plan to continue the waiting:
1. Reading: I have a bunch of YA books to peruse. I read these books to make sure I always have books to recommend to my students - and they're fun.
2. Working on the plan for fundraising and awareness. #GratefulFighters is in process - registering for nonprofit status and creating fundraising/awareness merchandise that I hope will spin some light out of this darkness.
3. Continuing to work on me and being more present for those I love.
You may not hear from me until #GratefulFighters is ready or we have more news on next steps. So while we wait, please keep spreading the word about screenings and early detection. We are saving lives. And also, please take a moment to stop and reinvest yourselves in your loves - this pandemic and the past 2+ years have been hard. Now, more than ever, we need to
"walk together, little children
We don't ever have to worry
Through this world of trouble
We gotta love one another"
#ScreeningsSaveLives
#GratefulFighters
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