One Day at a Time...

 

12.21.21

The truth is, it seems that the weekends after my treatments are going to be rough. I should not be surprised, and no one told me that this battle would be easy, but if I'm being honest, on Sunday I was feeling like I had had enough. The thought crept into the back of my mind that I do not think I can feel like this another 10 weekends. I happen to have a fairly high pain threshold, but 48-72 hours of nausea is no fun and it takes a mental toll...it's a whole different ballgame.

One of the first goals Brandi and I set when this fight started was to be able to find a way to schedule Chemo so that I had a good shot at feeling well enough to make it to my niece's bat mitzvah in Florida. We were not sure that would happen over the weekend. On top of feeling awful, I had the double whammy of watching Brandi take care of everything in prep for our trip. She had to do laundry, pack all of the kids, ensure the house was locked down, arrange for mail pick up, and more.

Long story short, I woke up feeling on Monday feeling decent enough to make the trip and we made it here to be with family and to relax. We all tested negative before we left. We have an airbnb, my brother in law's pool club, and outdoor eating. We aren't playing tourist, we are not doing anything 'high risk" with Omicron running wild and my immune system in flux. We are just hanging out. One day at a time. Enjoying family time.

One day at a time. Like I said, on Sunday, I was down. On Sunday, things were dark. But the great thing about our world is that sometimes, when you need it most, the Wheel of Fortuna spins and things start looking up. And it was while we were sitting in our seats at the airport gate, that an old friend, his wife, and his son rumbled on over. It was so good to see them, to have a hug, to catch up, to chat about how I was feeling. My friend's response - "One day at a time." It is easy to forget, but that is so true. Fight through the bad day or two, move on to enjoy the next. So here I am, 80 degrees, in shorts, with family.

But that was not the only uplifting moment yesterday. Another old friend happened along and was also on our flight. This person was a participant when Brandi and I were madrichim (counselors) on Shorashim in the summer of 2000. We are in touch, but I'd never caught up with her in person - and seen her in mom mode with her 2 beautiful young children. And so, by the time our flight took off, the nausea was in retreat and my heart was full of friends, memories, and the promise of the day.

*I withheld the names of my friends in case they are sensitive to publicity in this day and age.

I should also mention here that even though I was still feeling 'okay' at the time, Laina and Patrick visited me for a few hours on Friday. Friday is the bridge when the 48 hours of chemo drugs are finishing and the nausea comes on. I feel really fortunate that they were in town and able to spend a few hours. I need my people. It makes a difference - and that is true for those I am lucky enough to see in person, and for those that are there that make their presence known in so many different ways whether it be sending a 'heart' text or inviting me to watch football. Y'all are my lifeline.

**I meant to add a special thanks to the lovely people that brought us Shabbat dinner Friday. It was delicious and a big help given the tough weekend!!

Fortuna smiled upon me this week when I needed the wheel to spin. I hope that it also smiles upon you and yours at this holiday season. Live every day - one day at a time - and love and rejoice in each other. And if I don't blog before then, Merry New Year to you all!

#GetScreened
#GratefulFighters

P.S. Thanks, Brandi, for getting us down here. You are everything.

Jinx - Buy Me A Coke!

 12.8.21

Yes, I'm going to jinx it. Well, I don't really believe in jinxes (unless I'm putting the hex on a late game free throw shooter at Assembly Hall in Champaign), so I'm safe...I think.

But first, I was inspired to write today because I received the following message a few minutes ago:

It is so awesome to see people hearing our message to #GetScreened and #EarlyDetectionSavesLives. To be clear, it's not the first message like this I've received, but this one just came at a time when I could gather myself to write a bit. That being said, I love, love, love getting these messages whether they are just telling us that they just got their procedure scheduled or whether they just finished the procedure. This is the type of thing that lifts my soul, and it's also the type of thing that I am writing about as we work on final steps to bring #GratefulFighters to life. We are already making a difference and that means something - actually, it means a shit-ton to me. So please, continue to reach out and tell me your successes with scheduling your required annual physicals, mammograms, colonoscopies, and more!

Oh, yea, I got lost kvelling (it's Yiddish, look it up) about my awesome friends using modern medicine to maintain their health and I almost forgot about jinxes...

I feel good. It took a few days post-chemo, but I feel good. You knew that I would...

Here's what cycle 1 of Chemo looks like so far:
Tuesday Blood Work - Feelin' fine.
Wednesday Chemo Day - Feelin' fine
Thursday Pump Day 1 - Nausea and Exhaustion creepin' in
Friday Pump Day 2 - Steady nausea and exhausted
Saturday/Sunday - Steady nausea and as much bed time as possible
Monday - Rough start, but feeling human by lunch time.
Tuesday/Wednesday - No nausea meds needed, fully at work, kickin' arse and takin' names.
Thursday through next Wednesday (Chemo 2 Cycle) - Continued feeling groovy!

JINX!

Not.

Love you all. Continually grateful for your love and support!

Keep spreadin' the good word on screenings!

#GratefulFighters

PS: Yes, I tried to find the 1984 SNL clip with the Jinx, Buy Me a Coke skit, alas, I was unsuccessful other than finding it on archive.org at about the 20:29 mark with Billy Crystal, Mary Gross, and Julia Louis Dreyfus.

After Review....

12.2.21

I will admit. I wasn't going to post this today. It feels a bit narcissistic, constantly writing about myself.  My apologies for that. At the same time, my original impetus for writing was to make sure that I recorded the memories for me and for my kids/family to have one day...

Yesterday, I was privileged to drive 2/3 of the boys to school - I enjoy those moments even more these days and I have learned to cherish even the 'quiet' times when they are still waking up. If you're a parent - you know how those teens & preteens need their wake up time! Ami is particularly sensitive to what is going on these days. He made sure to tell me that he hoped my chemo went well and that I felt as good as possible. He also got himself a ride to and from his pre-tournament weekend warm-up game at Niles North. Knowing that I wasn't going to make it to St. Louis this weekend to watch him, I really wanted to make it to the game, but Ami assured me that it was okay if I was not up to it. They really do grow up....eventually.

From drop off, I drove right to Glenbrook Hospital for the first treatment. I sat in the parking lot for 5 to 10 minutes, just gathering my thoughts. I happen to know a friend's wife who was also starting Chemo at the same time, and I said a prayer for both of us. I hope to one day be able to celebrate with her!

I knew right away that Brandi and I made the right choice going with Northshore. Everyone was incredibly welcoming, kind, and informative. My doctor enthusiastically shook my hand and shared my desire to get the fight going! I showed him the #GratefulFighters sweatshirt and, without hesitation, he asked me to let him know as soon as they were available. The doc, each nurse, the pharmacist, the nutritionist, and a social worker, each spent as much time as I needed to explain things step by step and to answer all of my questions. I know I won't see all of those staff members once this is regular, but it made me extremely comfortable.

Quick details for those that want to know. My blood work all checked out and so I was cleared for Chemo. The Chemo starts with anti-nausea meds and steroids for 30 minutes. Once that is done, I wait for 30 minutes for those meds to settle in my system. Apparently, the steroids end up bolstering my energy and since they last through the 2 days of the pump, the first two days aren't as 'tiring'. The possibility is that once the pump is out tomorrow, I will 'crash' for a bit.

Next, I spent 2 hours hooked up to the Oxaliplatin Chemo drug that breaks the DNA of cancer cells and prevents growth of new ones. When that is done, the pump of Flourouracil is hooked up to my portal. This is another cancer drug. The pump is about the size of small water balloon. They tape the line to my chest so it doesn't get tugged out, put the pump in a fanny pack, and sent me on my way.

There are a bunch of potential side effects to all of these drugs. I won't go through them all, but I am keeping notes (I'm sure you're not surprised). The relevant one right now is cold sensitivity. The nurses made a big deal of suggesting I have gloves handy because even the cold steering wheel in the car may cause pain. Yesterday, it was not really cold enough to bother me, but I did pick up a few pairs of those little knit gloves at Walgreens on the way home. I put one by the fridge and one in my jacket pocket.

They also warn that the cold sensitivity can occur orally. I was really hungry when I got home and I grabbed some pretzels and hummus. I didn't consider Hummus to be a cold food, but let me tell you - they were not lying. One bite of the hummus and I had shooting pain in my mouth for about a minute. Needless to say, I won't make that mistake again. Later on, I chose a soft bagel to eat. Apparently, the first bite of food can cause jaw pain as well. That has happened a few times over the past day. Subsequent bites are fine...but ouch, that first bite is so painful at the joint of my jaw. But that's it. And if those are the only things that happen, I figure that's a small price to pay for beating this thing. A little mouth pain is NOT going to deter me from my battle. I have too many memories to make with my brilliant wife, amazing kids, family, and friends.

Sleeping with my BiPAP and the pump wires was a bit tricky. But according to my Fitbit, I slept about 6.5 hours. Not awful! And I woke today feeling pretty good. All in all, not a bad first day!

Maybe none of the above is that narcissistic as it's just informative...but here's the part that is most important to me. As you all know, I love watching my sons engage in the activities they love. Right now, Nadav is playing basketball for his school team and will start winter soccer soon. I'm excited to see him play basketball now that his broken finger is healed.

Ami, as I mentioned above, is back playing soccer with his awesome FC Mirage club and they have a tourney in St. Louis Saturday/Sunday. Since I can't go to St. Lou, my goal yesterday was to be well enough to drive to Niles North (about 25 minutes away), to watch Ami's game. Well, I made it there. Ami has grown immensely as a player in the last 2 years. He's stronger and faster, and he's a pleasure to watch when he's focused. I am so proud of him in so many ways, and his play on the pitch is no exception.

Anyhow, during the game, I was having some daydreaming/flashbacks to when I was in high school. Niles North was in our conference and in the Fall of 1987, I played at Niles North and scored a goal there. I imagined how cool it would be to see my son score a goal on the same field. Amazingly, later in the first half, that dream came true. It was a bit surreal because sometimes I forget how fast Ami has become (when healthy). But there he was, flying in from the wing, taking a pass, and powering it past the goalie. I'm not afraid to admit that it brought a tear to my eye. I love seeing my kids find success in doing what they love. I am proud of each and every one of them.

The game ended 1-0.

Game winner for Ami.
Game winner for my buddy, (You know who you are), who had his colonoscopy with a positive outcome!
Game 1 winner for Me vs. Cancer - I'm doing the Chemo and I've got this.

#GetScreened
#EarlyDetectionSavesLives
#GratefulFighters


**The goal linked here was from a GBN game this fall. Last night was a similar play but instead of passing, Ami took the ball more toward the goal and shot.

And there's the narcissism ;) Thanks for indulging my kid brag.

On the Eve of My Havdalah

 

11.29.21

One of my absolute favorite Jewish rituals is the Havdalah service that separates Shabbat and Holidays from the rest of the week. I definitely developed a love for Havdalah at camp as a child. Later as a song leader, I was privileged to lead many Havdalah services at camp, on retreats, in Poland and Israel with Shorashim, and many other places. I still relish the short, but beautiful singing of prayers, the glow of the twisted candle casting shadows on the faces of those around, the overflowing cup of wine over-spilling with blessings for the coming week, the rejuvenating smell of spices, and the reflective thoughts of the week that just passed and combined with the anticipation of the week ahead. Haunting and beautiful at the same time - it marked the separation of so many weeks of my life.

Havdalah literally means separation, and while today is not a Jewish sabbath or holiday, it does mark a significant separation of time in my life. Some Havdalot bring happiness - my marriage and the birth of my kids, for example. I remember each of those vividly and how my life has been enriched (for the most part 😂) with each new change. But on September 27th, 2021, I received my diagnosis and the . separation between thinking I was healthy and having cancer.  That Havdalah brought surgery to remove the cancer and gave me time to heal enough to face the next separation which begins tomorrow - the cycle of 6 months of chemotherapy.

Truthfully, I only made this connection to Havdalah over the past few days. And even though it is not an actual religious ceremony, it makes a lot of sense to mark these types of transitions in our lives - to name them and accept them. Most of the big moments - births (baby namings/bris), bar/bat mitzvot, weddings, funerals - are all accompanied by tradition and ceremony; however, there is nothing really to mark the separation for other moments of transition in our lives. At least for me, it will help to look at my new realities in this way - a separation between what was and what will be. A time to reflect and look ahead.

The past 9-ish weeks since my diagnosis have brought about a slew of changes - some good and some more difficult. I have seen the unbelievable strength of my wife, a pillar for our family from the moment we learned of the diagnosis. I have seen my kids act with an extra layer of compassion. Unfortunately, they are having to grow up and mature a bit faster than normal, but they are rising to the occasion. I have been touched by the love and prayers and support from so many people in my life. And I have learned a bunch about myself along the way. Among those things: an inner strength to persevere; an optimistic side to counter my typically sarcastic pessimism; and a still-developing ability to ask for and/or receive help. I expect that the next step will bring about even more good times and some difficult moments as well.

My 6 month cycle (12 treatments) starts tomorrow. Tuesdays, I get blood drawn and tested to make sure my white blood cells and other counts are healthy. Wednesdays, I will spend 3 or so hours hooked up to the IV chemo drip. For 48 hours, I will have a chemo pump attached to my chest portal, and that will be removed on Fridays. Rinse and repeat every 2 weeks until the end of May.

Tonight, I sit with an overflowing cup of the blessings that all of my family, friends, and others from all walks of my life have bestowed upon me the past couple of months. I have said before, and I'll say again, how important those thoughts and prayers have been for me and my family. A major part of that is the work I have done with Laina and others on #GratefulFighters. That labor of love and the goal of raising funds and awareness has been so therapeutic. I am a damn lucky guy - all of this love has filled my over-filled my cup! 

The past 5+ weeks since surgery have also brought rejuvenation. I have stopped to smell the spices of life. I have played more games with the little son and tried to have more 'man to man' time with the bigger sons. I have relished reconnecting with many people and just the little chats. And I have been lucky enough to 'forget' about work for the first time in decades because of the amazing friends I have that are covering for me as teacher and literacy coach. Now that I am 'over' the portal surgery, I feel refreshed and ready for the next step.

Most of all, like the Havdalah candle - symbolizing G-d's gift of fire that warms and brightens our otherwise dark/gloomy lives, I have a fire burning inside of me. That fire is kindled and strengthened by your love and prayers, and its strength comes from my amazing wife and the desire to be an example for my kids for how to attack adversity and overcome any obstacles that life may put in our way.

Yes, there is a lot of reflection to be done on the past couple of months - and there is a lot to look forward to in the months ahead until the next Havdalah - the end of chemotherapy. There will be ups and downs during this next phase of my life, but I am so blessed that you are all here with me, along for the ride.

Blessed are you, Adonai, who separates good and bad, happy and sad, sickness and health, and allows me to reflect and look forward to another significant moment in my life.

Love you all,

Early Detection Saves Lives
#GratefulFighters

555

        "If I don't break away clean

        I might stray from the scene

        Make an escape when it arrives:

        The 555"

 

11.25.21

In the 5th week post-surgery, I visited my 5th hospital/outpatient center, and received my 5th incision.

Well, that's not a very Thanksgiving-like beginning to a post! I apologize. I am Thankful and I will get into the holiday spirit...and I swear I'm not getting misty watching this cute little girl sing songs from Annie to open the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

Yes, the sun will come out tomorrow...and the next day and the next day. But admittedly, this past week has been hard and I'm writing this to try to break away clean from that and the upcoming Thanksgiving weekend.

Between the political and the personal, I need an escape. From Kenosha to Israel, society is fractured. I mean, Jewish blood literally flowed through the streets of my beloved Jerusalem. That image has been hard enough to escape, but the lack of media coverage and the silence from the squad and the usual celebs that go out of their way to demonize Israel is overbearing. I know you're not here for political commentary, but those things are weighty enough without the health issues. Oh, and the Illini basketball suckitude didn't help either 😉

Weeks ago, I mentioned my general disdain for hospitals - call it phobia, call it anxiety - doesn't matter. So as I laid in Evanston Hospital on Tuesday, awaiting my portal installation, I couldn't help but feel down. Here I was in yet another hospital and when I got home and looked in the mirror, there I was with 5 wounds in my torso. I spent all summer in rehab/PT for my knees to avoid any kind of surgery - and here I was with battle scars all over.

I think the portal install was more difficult and painful than the surgery I had 5 weeks ago. It's uncomfortable, it stings, and since I'm a stomach sleeper, I haven't slept well the past couple of nights. So this week has really been the first prolonged period of depression I've experienced since my diagnosis 9/27. And when that happens, the bad thoughts start creeping in. For the most part, I've been pretty good at staving off the sadness and depression and dark places. But this week has been a bit much.

That being said, no, I don't need anything. I just wanted to be honest since many people comment on how I am remarkably positive. Yes, I do my best to keep a brave face and positive attitude, but it's not easy. I feel the need to make sure my boys see me positive and fighting, especially so they don't get stressed and sad. One day when they look back on this, I want them to know that I did not just give up and abandon them. That being said, I'm just keepin' it real. Sometimes, it's not easy to stay positive...and this week has been hard. I'm sure there will be hard days to come once the Chemo starts.

But it's Thanksgiving. The sun has come out and it will continue to come out. I think that my collapsed lung is getting better! I'm less winded and the fluid is coming up. So there's that! And I continue to be grateful to my wife and family and friends who lift me up every day. I am thankful for your love and prayers and thoughts. I already feel better for writing this and getting it off my chest. Thank you for letting me share the good times and the painful times.

Make sure to spread the love, today and every day. And of course, live every day to its fullest. I hope that your day is filled with family and your table is filled with great food and your heart is content.

Sending hugs to every one of you!

Get your screenings!
#GratefulFighters

Looks Like...

 

 

 

 

11.16.21

Met with Dr. Adess, oncologist #2, yesterday. There were no real surprises in the interpretation of my CT scans, cancer pathology, and recommended course of treatment. That being said, Brandi and I both walked out of our consultation with Dr. Adess feeling like he was the right choice to help lead my fight against this cancer. To be honest, we liked both doctors and felt that my level of care at Northwestern or Northshore would be top notch. But sometimes, you just go with your gut - and our gut said, Dr. Adess.

Two other things helped with our choice:

•  Proximity: my treatments will be at Glenbrook Hospital - right down the street from me.
•  Multiple friends recommended Dr. Adess. Unfortunately, they had to have the experience; fortunately, he saved their lives.
  

So...away we go! It is a relief to see the path ahead start to take shape. For those of you who would like to follow along closely, here's how this will work. First, I will have a port inserted in my chest before Thanksgiving. This will allow doctors easy access to deliver my meds and draw blood without using me like a pin cushion. My father like this course of action because after his 4 chemo treatments, the needles had really started to irritate him. He's getting a port as well. We're gonna be port buddies!

As far as the chemo goes, the cycle will go as follows: Tuesdays, I will go to Glenbrook and have blood drawn. Wednesdays, I will go back to Glenbrook for the actual Chemo session which will run about 3.5 hours. For 48 hours, I will be hooked up to a pump I have to carry around to continue to meds. Fridays, I return to Glenbrook to have the pump removed.  Rinse and repeat every 2 weeks for 6 months = 12 total chemo sessions. My first cycle will start 11/30 with the blood draw and 12/1 with the chemo. 

I am told that everyone reacts differently to chemo. Both doctors were pretty confident that they manage the nausea well, but other side affects may arise. My hope is that I will tolerate it well and have minimal issues. Some side effects include: thinning hair (not really an issue for me); hand/foot skin rash and peeling; upset stomach; and risk of neuropathy. The last one is the most concerning because so much of my life revolves around being able to use my hands to type for work, authorship, and pleasure (Brandi, get your mind out of the gutter - I meant for things like playing guitar). So we'll keep our fingers crossed for now and hope that my body tolerates chemo as well as it did with the surgery.

As soon as I know when my port will be installed, I will ease back into work. I will likely start with teaching my afternoon classes before going back full-time. Soon we will be sharing links to purchase #GratefulFighter merch that will spread the word about screenings and raise money for cancer research. That stuff and planning Nadav's bar mitzvah will keep me busy.

The hope is that other than the time spent back and forth to Glenbrook Hospital, life will be pretty normal for the next few months as the battle goes on internally. But don't worry, if I need support, I will ask. I'm continuing to work on accepting help...

I'm nervous, but ready to get fighting. In the meantime, continued thanks for your thoughts, prayers, and support. Having you all by my side makes this battle easier to face. That is the honest truth, and I am grateful to my amazing wife, kids, family, and all of you out there along for the ride.

Keep spreading the word about screenings and sharing the stories. Each one is a victory!

#EarlyDetectionSavesLives
#GratefulFighters

I Feel Good...

11.10.21 

The past few days, I have run into a bunch of people out and about. So many have told me that I look really good with a hint of surprise. And I have responded that I feel good.

It's not a lie. I do feel good, and I want people to know that. While I have been open and honest in this blog space about my journey, my anxieties, and my emotions, I hope that I have not given people the impression that I am laid up and in poor shape. I am not. Sure, I get tired a bit quicker as I'm still recovering, but I feel good and at this point, my body has responded well to the surgery which gives me hope that it will also manage the upcoming chemotherapy well, too. So, I wanted all of my readers to know that I am doing really well.

While you're here, I'll just give a quick update. Yesterday, we met with my team oncologist. My team remains positive about my prognosis. Colon cancer care is pretty well established in my situation and the success rate is high. Even so, we are going to get a 2nd opinion and view of treatment on Monday from another highly rated oncologist.

My team anticipates 6 months of chemo which will begin about December 13th. The IV and pill treatment will be every 3 weeks over those 6 months and we are starting on 12/13 so that schedule will allow me to travel to Florida in December for my niece's bat mitzvah without missing treatment. It will also allow me to be at the end of my last 3 week cycle the weekend of Nadav's bar mitzvah in May with my final treatment coming the Monday after his bar mitzvah weekend. Assuming all goes smoothly and according to plan, I should feel well enough to go to Israel with my family in early June.

So, that's the hope right now. In the meantime, I am looking forward to getting back to work around Thanksgiving and I am really excited to launch #GratefulFighters soon in order to start raising money for cancer charities and to raise awareness of the importance of screenings and early detection.

To that end, I hope you all keep sharing stories about you and yours scheduling colonoscopies and mammograms with me. I am proud of so many of you for taking action for yourselves and your loved ones. Keep it up and keep spreading the word to your networks. These procedures are not bad and they just may save your life. 

My landscape would be empty if you were gone...so please take action today.

I'll share another update after meeting with the next oncologist next week. Until then, know I continue to be grateful for your love, support, and prayers.

#EarlyDetectionSavesLives
#GratefulFighters